I was hoping to handicap this final table for you. I was going to predict, with remarkable accuracy, things like, “Walt Disney will be eliminated in 8th place after getting cold decked,” But now I’m stuck just trying to figure out who in the H these dudes are. Lucky for me, I was born in the information age, and with Google as my guide I managed to find out everything you need to know about the 2007 WSOP final nine, and from that I was able to come up with some predictions. Enjoy.

Jon Kalmar
We may have lost Montel “Chilliams” Willaims, Sully Urna, and Tobey Maguire, but that hasn’t stopped the celebrity set from dropping one of their own into seat 1 of the 2007 Main event final table.

John Kalmar is a feature film star who has left an indelible mark on the Scandinavian silver screen with such hits as “One Hell of a Christmas” and “En Som Hodder”. He made his film debut in 1988 with the much lauded, “Jydekompagniet,” a film about a private investigator, in which Kalmar plays an undredited role.

He’s credited as “Bully” in One Hell of a Christmas - Will he be a bully today?

Yes. Donald Key predicts it will be “One Hell of a Final Table” for everyone but Kalmar, as he bullies his way to WSOP gold. 1st place!


Lee Childs
Lee Child is the author of over 10 novels. The best-selling British novelist has won the Anthony Award and Barry award, and has been nominated for a Dilys and Macavity. Will he add the title of World Series Champion to his already impressive resume?

Oh wait? Sorry, it’s lee child-s. With an S? Never heard of this guy. He’ll probably bust out in 9th.

Phillip Hilm
Apparently all this guy does is play poker. Maybe that explains why he’s at the final table. He also has the chip lead. So naturally:

Prediction: This guy blows the lead faster than a P.A. on one of the “Oceans” movies. 6th. 

Jerry Yang
Jerry Yang is of course none-other than the new C.E.O. of Yahoo. With the pressure of this new position weighing heavily on Jerry’s mind, will he be able to push for the gold? The question on everyone’s mind if he makes a blunder early will most certainly be, “Do you Yahoo?”

Prediction: 8th place.


Raymond Rahme

Raymond Rahme. Rahme first made headlines in the famous court case Raymond vs. Rahme. That’s right. Rahme became the first man ever to sue HIMSELF when he brought his case before the Texas appellate court in 2002.

Prediction: Obviously a total nut, and possibly schizo, this wild card is likely to throw caution to the wind. He’s not going to play to move up a money spot, he’s here to win. However, as we’ve already mentioned, he’s in for “One Hell of  Final Table” and will be stopped short by Kalmar and land in 2nd place.

Tuan Lam
Not much to say other than: Buy Tuan’s beautiful artwork here:

Prediction: 7th place.

Alex Kravchenko
Alright. Here we go. Alex Kravchenko, a bracelet winner after taking down event #9 at this years WSOP. You figure he’s one of the favorites to come away with the bracelet, that is, if he can ever put down this plate of Borscht.

Prediction: Look at that borscht! There is no way he is putting that down. 5th place.

Lee Watkinson
World Series of Poker bracelet winner Lee Watkinson takes his shot at going from Lee Watkinson to Lee Watkinson. You see the difference there. Right now it’s like, Lee Watkinson, but soon, if he wins, it’s gonna be like, Lee Watkinson. Got it?

Prediction: Watkinson gets 4th  and remains Lee Watkinson. 

Hevad “Rain” Khan
Everyone’s going to be making “Wrath of Khan” and “Genghis Khan” references. We’re not going to do that here. We’re just going to quietly point out that when Khan celebrates he looks like Gerard Butler from 300:

and then in equally hushed tones we’re going to ask the poker gods for purple rain Khan at the final table.

Prediction: Tonight - we dine - in THIRD!.....place.

Real chip counts in case you care and were expecting real poker news:

Seat 1: Jon Kalmar – 20,320,000
Seat 2: Lee Childs – 13,240,000
Seat 3: Philip Hilm – 22,070,000
Seat 4: Jerry Yang – 8,450,000
Seat 5: Raymond Rahme – 16,320,000
Seat 6: Tuan Lam – 21,315,000
Seat 7: Alex Kravchenko – 6,570,000
Seat 8: Lee Watkinson – 9,925,000
Seat 9: Hevad Khan – 9,205,000

#10 - The $100-$200 Level of the Seniors No-Limit Hold’em Event

BAM! This is what we live for as poker fans. Amarillo Slim made QUADS during this action-packed level, catapulting this moment into the top 10, barely nudging out, “John Juanda Orders a BLACK Coffee.”

#9 - Phil Hellmuth Gets His 60th Cash

In the words of one of Donald Key’s best friends, Randy Moss, “Straight cash, homey.”

Winning may be everything, but cashes "is" king. And Phil Hellmuth alone wears the crown for most in World Series history.

I know what you’re thinking, “Maybe you should check your facts, Donald. Phil’s watershed moment for World Series cashes came at  #59.” Think again. "The Keys" facts are straight. What you don’t know is that the only thing more exciting than a good cash is padding stats. #60 put a little more distance between Phil and what I like to call, “everyone else.” The only moments that can possibly eclipse Phil’s 60th cash are #’s 8 thru 1 on this countdown, and his 61st cash. Aside from that, nothing can possibly top this 2007 WSOP moment.

# 8 - A Guy Named John Checkraises This Other Guy

This was pretty cool. I saw this with my own two eyes. There was this guy named John, and he checkraised this other guy. You should have seen the look on this other guy’s face, it was like, “John, how could you checkraise me like that?” I thought this guy was going to get realllly upset. Amazing. This is what makes the World Series of Poker, the richest event in sports.

# 7 - Sam Grizzle Eliminated from the $50,000 H.O.R.S.E.

I think we all know the implications of this top ’07 WSOP moment. If I were a betting man, I’d bet poker is on its way out. “Our only hope,” could not get the job done in our time of need. The Grizz fought valiantly - at one point flirting with the 200k mark in chips. In the end, though, Grizzle busted out of the money, and took with him, hope. I guess I’ll just stroll through the crisp, smoke-free air of the Amazon room, completely unafraid of collusion or a smack in the head, and watch from the rail as all the trust fund babies play what they view as a grown-up version of pogs with their daddies’ money.

#6 - Joe Sebok Eliminated

Take your pick. Happens every tournament. Equally entertaining each time. The Key loves to see which horrible fate will befall Seebs next. Will it be a one outer, or a two outer? Sebok’s last two World Series efforts are akin to Charlie Brown letting Lucy hold the football. Sebok is Charlie, the WSOP is Lucy, and that bracelet is the football.

#5 - The One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know

Joey buys a big screen TV and two leather reclining chairs; he and Chandler don't move from them for days. Phoebe helps Monica cater a party at the home of Dr. Richard Burke, an old friend of the Gellers, who recently divorced. Despite their age difference, Richard and Monica begin dating. Ross and Rachel begin dating. One of their dates is interrupted… Sorry - I’m writing a blog on the top 10 episodes of Friends for my other blog over at www.Friends4Eva.com/donaldkey.org.net.

Back to the Action

#4 - Shuffle Up and Deal for Event #24 World Championship $3,000 Seven Card Stud Hi-Lo

A tournament director took the mic and said shuffle up and deal to the 236 entrants of this event. From what I recall there was really good intonation in the tournament directors shuffle up and deal here. He seemed confident in the command he was giving. Shuffle up, and deal. The most important thing really is to make sure that the dealers shuffle up before they deal. You run into a problem with this sometimes because of their title. Dealers think, “I’m a dealer, not a shuffler. If I was supposed to shuffle, I would be called a shuffler.” Then they just deal, and you end up with a bunch of Royals, and the whole thing is a big mess.” This tournament director got these loose canons under control, and ran a successful tournament that saw Eli Elezra earn an ego boost, and $200,000 he doesn’t need.

#3 - Eugene Todd, Bro on Pokerwire Radio

Even though I despise this radio show, because it spelled the end for my short lived take-no-prisoners, tell-it-like-it-is, multiple-hyphenation radio show, The Donald Key Experience, Stapes, Seebs, and Smith did an amazing job of cultivating comic hilarity out of one Eugene Todd… bro, during their short time with him. “I’m sucking moose cock, bro.” Aren’t we all Eugene?

#2 - Harrah’s Runs a Flawless World Series of Poker - Players Have Nothing to Complain About

I’m saving this space for when it happens. Maybe if Sam Grizzle had won the $50k H.O.R.S.E.?

#1 - People Go All-In

This is more like a group of moments lumped into one, but I mean, come on, who doesn’t love the all-in? It happens once every 15 seconds in the Amazon room, but somehow it never gets old.

These three words trump all others at the World Series. A guy could be getting attacked by a cougar in a port-o-let outside of the poker sauna, but if someone said all-in back in the Amazon room, ESPN cameras would rush inside to catch the action. The power of the words make People Going All-In #1 on Donald Key’s countdown of the top 10 moments of this years World Series of Poker. Thanks for Reading.

By now, many of you may have forgotten, but Donald Key will NEVER forget, that Sam Grizzle once punched (at the time 9-time) bracelet winner Phil Hellmuth in the face, and then threatened to do it again on national television. This is what poker needs, folks, more physical violence! Look what it’s done for the NHL!

As Phil Hellmuth continues to distance himself with bracelets, final tables, and cashes, poker moves closer and closer to wrap around shades and chair massages, and farther and farther away from 10-gallon Stetson’s and leather asses. Donald Key likes a nice leathery ass. I would have called on Doyle “Texas Dolly” Brunson to make a stand for poker’s endangered species, but alas, “The Godfather of Poker” has been eliminated, and so, the onus is on the Grizzle. Or as I like to call him, “our only hope.”

That’s right! Poker is under siege, folks, and in Donald Key’s estimation Sam Grizzle is the only man who can take it back and return it to its former glory. Let’s face it, poker has lost its key demographic. Sure, in the meantime it may have landed THE key demographic, the 18-35 year-old upwardly mobile male. But these adderol addicted, here today gone tomorrow, whichever way the wind blows newbies can’t sustain the game the way the old guard has for hundreds of years. They just can’t. They may have added some flash with their Armani shirts and Prada loafers, but Sam Grizzle, and Sam Grizzle alone has the ability to put poker back on top with guys whose wardrobes consist mostly of items purchased with Camel points. And this is where poker belongs.
 
I know what you’re all thinking, “Get with the times, Key. Donald Key. Poker has evolved.”

I admit, the game has certainly undergone wholesale changes over the past 5 years. But for the better? I’m not so sure. 

This is what we have to show for ourselves as a poker community since the Moneymaker:

The internet boom
Huge fields
Huge prizepools
Non-Smoking card rooms
No-Abuse policies
The F-bomb rule (recently retracted, I’m convinced, because of the imminent Second coming of the Grizzle.)
Corporate sponsorship

And look at all the awesome things we’ve left behind – things Grizzle can bring back:
 
Cheating
Collusion
Smoking cardrooms
Dealer Abuse
Player abuse
The word fuck

Was it worth it? The answer is no. We lost a whole vocabulary word. If poker keeps up at this pace, the English language will be completely decimated by the year 96,250,347 A.D.  – Assuming no new words are invented between now and then.

So here we are. On the cusp of a poker revolution. A resurrection. A real chance to turn back time. To relive glory days. Chances like these come along once in a lifetime. And  this one depends on Sam Grizzle making up a 600,000 chip deficit. Am I scared? No. Should you be? No. I don’t know if you were paying attention, but Sam Grizzle won the ½ hold em, ½ lowball event at the 7th annual Diamond Jim Brady. Need I say more?

Disagree? Call 1-888-7-Suited or email RickDeriss@aol.com

Kristy Gazes was so convinced that I was going to win our last longer bet that she paid out when she still had 4k left in chips.  Then the stud games started... I would start out with starting hands that would fizzle out by 4th or 5th street and I made a couple of horrid calls on 7th street.  I attribute the suckatude to me getting tired, losing focus and turning into a calling station.

The Count was busted by Marc Karam and he received a autographed copy of Ace on the River.  The interesting thing about the autograph was that Barry remembered all 14 cards of the stud hand that he busted on.  The Bear has mad memory skills.

With 5100 I sense a quick double up or bustication in the omaha round.  Omaha is probably the best round to go into as a short stack because the pot tend to be multiway and I don't have to scoop to rake in more chips.  I have to be pretty tight in my omaha hand selection because some of the big stacks will be playing a lot if not every hand.  It should be a blast.

- JDN